Off Map Living

It feels like yesterday that I posted a blog saying “let’s catch up” barely two weeks into January. Somehow, what feels like a week ago is now the end of the first month of the year.

What. The. Fuck.

I feel like I’m sitting in a thousand conflicting emotions about this month, I don’t even know where to start. If you had told me on the 1st of this month that this is what my month would look like, I genuinely think I would have dropped to the floor. So… let’s debrief my first month of the year together.

The January That Started With Hope

At the start of January, I really tried to be optimistic. I made a vision board full of exciting things I want to work towards this year. Some big, scary dreams, some small & some silly ones! One of the small goals was getting contact lenses. It sounds minor, but it felt huge to me. I booked the appointment and made it my little mission of the month. I was focused on that one thing, thinking January would be about gentle progress and tiny wins. But along that… of course life had other plans.

The “UTI” From Hell

Let’s fucking talk about this so called UTI.

This has genuinely been the bane of my existence.

I ended up in out of hours and was told I had a UTI. I was prescribed antibiotics. Three days later, thinks got dramatically worse, I ended up in A&E, where I was then told the infection has spread to my kidneys. New antibiotics.

Long story shot: I ended up back at the GP and was told I don’t have a UTI, I don’t have a kidney infection either, the GP then suspected it was kidney stones great why don’t we just throw whatever into the circle at this point… anyways now im waiting for a scan to find out what the hell is actually going on. Honestly this is why hospitals and GPS terrify me, you feel like you cant fully trust the system anymore.. I have been prescribed two rounds of antibiotics in a week for infections I didn’t even have make it make sense???

Next week: bladder scan.

Current status: ongoing pain, frustration.

What a start to the year.

Anxiety, Dissociation & Old Ghosts

Then came the anxiety. Out of nowhere, I had a whole week where I felt constantly on edge. Disconnected from reality, trapped in my mind, everything felt unreal and heavy at the same time and then the dissociation. That episode hit me like a brick. It dragged up so many old thoughts and feelings I thought I had processed. I genuinely believed I had “gotten better” at managing the dissociations. Every time I think I’ve mastered it, it comes back to humble me. It’s hard to explain how scary it is to feel like you’re not fully here, like your mind is slipping sideways while your body just exists.

Illness On Top Of Illness

As if the mystery bladder issues wasn’t enough, I came down with the worst cold ever. I hate being ill, not just physically but mentally too. When my body feels like shit, my mind follows I isolate away, retreat and just disappear away from the world, honestly dealing with intense pain, constant discomfort and a horrible cold at the SAME TIME has been BRUTAL. I really hope im coming towards the end of it now because I am TIRED.

The Hot Water Bottle Wake-Up Call

Now… the hot water bottle saga.

This one was confronting.

Ive struggled with overusing a hot water bottle for years. It brings me comfort. It helps me cope with discomfort, both physical and emotional. For over FOUR years ive exposed my stomach to intense heat… recently its became more of an issue as my skin has started to blister and bleed, I ended up at the GP and was told I cant use it on my stomach anymore, I have to wear shorts all the time so theres no direct heat or anything on the area.

This was such a wake up call, seeing the state of mt stomach made me realise how deeply I rely on external comfort to cope with internal discomfort and im not even gonna lie its been really hard not using it, I still walk around with the hot water bottle sometimes just to know I have it its so odd, its strange how something that once felt safe can slowly become harmful without you even noticing.

The Things Im Not Ready To Unpack (Yet)

Im not even going to start talking about how I’ve been mentally in terms of my ED that has been challenging enough on its own. Somethings deserve their space and right now I don’t have the emotional energy to open that door fully. So we’re going to leave that there- for now.

January, Summed Up

January was messy, painful, confusing, lonely, exhausting and emotionally overwhelming. A month of survival, if January has taught me anything, its that growth isn’t always pretty, sometimes it looks like antibiotics you didn’t need, anxiety you thought you’d outgrown, comfort mechanisms turning into coping battles and tiny wins that barely keep you afloat.

But hey I’m still here… and maybe thats the real headline of the month.

Here are some of the highlights from January – AK