It’s been a while since ive just dumped my thoughts somewhere without filtering them. The last two weeks have been intense in a way I dont even know how to explain. I dont have the right words to describe how helpless I feel.
I feel lifeless, like ive completely shut off from reality and im just watching the world move past me instead of being part of it. Ive been forcing myself out the house to feel something, to feel alive, to feel the sun on my skin, to remind myself I exist. For a brief moment, it works, I feel lighter, almost okay and then it’s like boom dragged straight back into whatever this is.
In the last week, I think ive messed up 4 important relationships in my life, im on the verge of dropping out of college, ive withdrawn all my uni applications, im one bad day away from booking a one way flight and not looking back.
Current mood: I want to disappear, I dont want to face anyone. I dont want to face my life.
I have had some really hard phone calls from people I have left behind in the past, conversations that pull at something deep inside me. Theres this conflicting feeling, part of me that feels compelled to go back, to fix things just to keep the peace, to undo everything, let them win but deep down I know going back would be dangerous for my own wellbeing, I toxic environment I escaped many many years ago the thought of going back has never ever crossed my mind, but true say narcissist can really get to your head and their words cut so deep you begin to question your every decision. Sometimes what people say lingers in places you didnt know were still open. Then theres the question that keeps circulating my mind: Is doing the hardest thing just to make the pain stop ever with it? or is it just another form of escape?
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