Sometimes I wish I could dump all my decisions on someone and get them to make a decision for me because WHY is making decisions SOOO bloody hard???
This morning I woke up in a very groggy mood, even had a little bit of a scream/crash out because I couldn’t figure out the shower head… (IM LITERALLY JUST A GIRL). I WAS THEN FACED OF THE QUESTION about…. university.
I applied for university back in January it was a whole circle moment as I genuinely wasn’t really expecting to apply for uni this year but something came over me and I was like meh fuck it lets apply, every time I write about uni I avoid talking about it deeper as it comes with a big bag of mixed feelings. I look at people around me applying and sharing their achievements with pride and joy and theres me I think ive only told what like 3 people in my life??? because I know telling people will make it real and for some reason that REALLY SCARES ME????
You would think I would be jumping in pride, proud of myself… however when I applied I felt a sense of achievement but still didnt believe it, when I got a offer I downplayed it and still do….
Theres something so scary about taking this next big jump of 3 years of commitment when you don’t know what mental head space your going to be in and that terrifies me, if I commit to something I must be perfect at it, I MUST give my all but lately I don’t even feel preset in my reality, my current deadlines I have im just juggling them around, leaving them last min.
This morning I was told that I need to start the process of applying for student finance which closes May latest June…. this really got me thinking is this something I want??? do I want to do something else??? is this something ill lock in with??? will end up back in hospital behind everything??? will I enter a mass depressive episode where I go through the fazes of idgaf and regret that later??? so many what ifs with not so much guidance…. its scary…
University has always been my dream, as a kid I remember being so excited for uni, I remember a conversation with one of my parents, they asked me if I wanted to go uni and I said yes, they instantly saw failure and were like nah your too dumb for uni and I think a part of me is still walking around carrying that hurt and then a part of me whats to prove them wrong.
When I want something, I will chase after it to get it, if that means destroying myself for it I will get it but I think thats my mindset because of the nature of the illness I have when really if you deep it I do have the willpower I suppose.. (is it too soon for a dark joke….)
Anyways now im sat with the lingering question of making a decision, 1 being choosing what I want as my main offer & 2 then applying for student finance which means its REEEEAL REEEEAL…..
I really wish I could flip my fuck it coin I got gifted for Christmas to help me make a decision however I feel like in this scenario it has to come from me… so tune in to the next blog where at that point I prolly would have been there 99287374839 menty b’s, 280273 different scenarios, 9827289 breakdowns but alas! maybe a decision made.
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