Off Map Living

TWO. WEEKS. IN.

Honestly???? I feel like i’ve lived about SIX different lives already. So… lets RECAP.

Week One: Rotting, Reflecting, Spiralling (Slightly)

The first week of January was rough. I felt like absolute fucking shit. I slobbed. I slept. I reflected ALOT and by reflected, I mean laid around thinking far too deeply about my life overthinking every little thing while doing absolutely nothing productive. A classic time honoured combo!

Somewhere between the naps and self-pity, I had a realisation: I actually dont need to force myself to figure out what im doing next. I dont need a 5 year plan or what my next 12 months looks like and have a crisis spiral, im just going to let life and the universe do their thing because weirdly enough, they always do. Sometimes.

Case Point: Last year around March, my sleep was a mess, my days were just surviving and on a random night at about 3am, I though I really need to get my fucking life together. So I impulsively applied for online college no overthinking, no GRAND plan, just vibes and insomnia.

Honestly?? best impulsive decision I think I have ever made at 3am in the morning, the universe really nudged me there and now look at me go less than a year later being accepted into unis…

So yeah, week one was slow, I rested, wallowed, I felt bad for myself and by the end of it, that stillness pushed me into a darker headspace than I had expected.. turns out too much of nothing can be just as dangerous as too much of everything.

Which brings us neatly too…

Week Two: Delusion, Determination & A Fucking UTI

After deciding I couldnt rot for another week without fully loosing my mind, I fully felt opposite mode. New week. Fresh start. Absolutely unhinged levels of optimism.

My calendar???? JAM. BLOODY. PACKED.

Appointments, plans, productivity, self care (I even booked a sound bath, something I was genuinely excited for, spiritually hyped, main character moment LOADING…..)

And then BOOM. A. FUCKING UTI.

Not a mild inconvenience, not a drink some water solution, no this thing came in like a wrecking ball and absolutely flattened my plans. No sleep, constantly in pain still pushing myself way past my limits because I didnt want to waste the week id hyped up so hard in my head.

Quite frankly, I dont even know how to describe this week. it was so much good alongside so much WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK (ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER).

SO let’s debrief.

The Highs (Because Some How There Were So Many)

• I submitted my UCAS application- The day before the deadline, while sat in A&E, on my iPad, zeros sleep, in pain, finishing my personal statement like my life depended on it. If that doesnt scream how committed I am I dont know what does.
• I got two offers for uni so far- Im happy, excited, overwhelmed and slightly terrified all at once. Im letting it sit before unpacking it properly (more thoughts pending).
• I attended my contact lenses appointment- BIG MOMENT (important plot twist incoming… HOLD TIGHT)
• After a day where I did not sleep all night I tried to not let it affect me getting my nails done, I felt like shit left with the most cuntiest set, temporary serotonin successfully achieved for the day.
• I got clarity- in a really stressful meeting, I stud up for myself and spoke my fucking mind. I genuinely didnt think I had it in me, especially running on no sleep and debilitating pain but I did it.
• I got a distinction- on a few of my resubmissions, that alone carried me emotionally for a solid 48 hours.
• I did some self care- pamper wednesday, face mask, a nice walk, some reflecting, a nice bath. Zen mode activated.

The Lows (Brace Yourself)

• I have a UTI
• Then got told it spread to my kidneys, love that for me.
• The new antibiotics made me feel sick. Im emetaphobic, so that was a hard no.
• I then broke out in a slight rash, so stopped taking them.
• I missed my sound bath, im still disproportionately devastated by this. Please respect my grief.
• My joint pain is back, im in alot of pain and cant take my usual PRN because of the infection so most days I have not been thriving.
• Contact lenses OH. MY. GOD. I HAD TWO TRIALS THIS WEEK AT SPECSAVERS and failed both. This has pissed me off more than it probably should. Im really beating myself up about it. (huge shoutout to the staff though, so patient, funny and kind!). I do think my dry eyes are the issue. Today I managed to get half the lense in, it was supposed to attach but it didnt, I brought eye drops right after it and my eyes felt more moisturised, so im really hoping next week they just slide on ( who would have thought this would be the hardest thing to tick of my vision board???) Third time under two weeks has to be the charm. IT HAS TO BE.
• AND finally.. the true final straw: MY BROWS. They desperately need doing, my appointment isnt until monday evening, so until then RIP to my confidence, fresh brows genuinely make me feel like a different person.

SO… Where Does That Leave Me?

This week was one massive contradiction, huge highs, brutal lows, moments of pride immediately followed by pure exhaustion and frustration. I dont know how to approach next week, part of me wants to plan everything, regain control, structure my days another part od me is scared to commit to a jam packed week when apparently I have a strong energy of jinxing myself.

Maybe this is a sign that alot of things are out of my control and all I can do is work around them, maybe accepting that instead of fighting it is the lesson. If the first two weeks of January has taught me anything its I can be falling apart and achieving things at the sometime. Apparently both can coexist WHO KNEW??? Anyways two weeks down.

JANUARY WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT

-AK